I'm kinda sad right now. So I'm just gonna type and pretend I don't care about anything else. Well, I'm not gonna pretend. I don't care about anything else. Anyone else. I just want to kinda curl up into myself and do nothing, but I really don't have the willpower to cut off all outside contacts like that. I can't explain it... I'm not trying to. This all makes sense in my head, and I'm not trying to write this for anyone else to understand. My blog was always meant to just be that. My life, my little thoughts, my little quirks that drive my thought patterns in circles that wind up with me saying several statements with identical phrasing. It's a common theme. My life, my little thoughts, my little quirks. Look at the short description bit at the side of Katastrophic. At the side of Locked Down, if you know the link. At the various posts, and sentences in this very post. All repetitive. My mind branchs. It's wierd, the same concept keeps branching off to different ideas and thoughts, and the best way for me to express the way they all come from the same root is to use repetitive sentence structures. I analyse my own writing too much. And I hide too much of it. Because it says too much about me.

I actually really want to be on RO right now. But I don't know what I'd do if I was on. Likely stalk Forsaken again, but I just feel stupid for doing that at the moment. Because my only connection to them is Arch, and I think Arch hates me. Or at least, he's mad at me and won't talk to me.

I barely understand why he's mad at me. I trained with someone else. For the first time in like, ever. I've been trying to train with him, but he doesn't want to. He only wants to now, to spite me cuz he refuses to do it with me. But I'm off topic. I trained with someone I'd just met. Later found out Arch hates her. He'd mentioned her name once, sometime this week, as a sidenote. For the 3 sentences he said about her, he only mentioned her name once, and I didn't make the connection. But now he's mad at me. Refuses to train with me because I'm his enemy's helper... And nothing I say or do will change that opinion. He basically ignored me all day. So I stopped talking to him. He doesn't miss me. I keep hoping he will miss me, but he doesn't. Doesn't care either. So what can I do? Pretend my heart isn't breaking. Pretend I don't care either. I am a rock. I am an island. Repeat until I believe it. For those who catch the lyrical reference, congrats. I'm not gonna explain it beyond that. Google it or something.

I listen to alot of music when depressed, stressed, upset, anything like that. Listen to it and ignore everything else. I love my headphones for that reason. Let me close off myself from everything else a bit better. Except I actually went back to Gaia. Nice to see old faces, even though I dropped back into Lurker-ness. I don't know what to say anymore... Watched Clone High. Extreme levels of WTF-ness at that ending... They had to try to make that fucked of an ending.

Why do I want Arch's comfort the most when he's mad at me? ._. God I hate it. It's so stupid. I just wish he was here, hugging me from behind, or even just running his hand down my back. I don't know why I want that specifically. I just... get alot of comfort from knowing he's touching my back. Maybe cuz I just feel like he's watching my back for me. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to anyone, but what I truly fear the most is what I don't know. I can't close my eyes on roller coasters cuz it scares me just that much more. If I'm scared to sleep, I can't sleep on my side because I just know that whatever I'm scared of will be on whatever side my back is to. Doesn't matter what I'm afraid of. I can't close my eyes to sleep. I won't see someone/something sneaking up. As a kid, I perfected falling asleep at like, a 45 degree angle (back closest to the bed) with my blankie stuffed between me and my bed. Because I HAVE to sleep on my side. I can't sleep on my back that well. When I was scared by House of Leaves, I had to read it with my back to the wall, because sitting at my desk I couldn't see the back wall. And for all I knew, that wall was the one pulling a House of Leaves on me. Those who have read the book will understand that. Those who haven't won't have anything spoiled. I slept with my back to a wall too, but the scariest time for me was the 20 seconds after I turned out the lights, and before my eyes adjusted to allow me to see the room.

Ironically, one of the things I enjoy the most about being at my cottage and sleeping there is the inky blackness after I turn out the lights, where it doesn't matter if my eyes are opened or closed, because it looks the same.

Arch, if you're reading this, there you go. The one thing I'd love to have you do most is to just hold me from behind me, or to play with my back like I do to yours... Assuming you give a damn...

I suppose I should sleep. I actually accomplished nothing at all, all day long. Didn't even do my laundry, like I meant to. Well, considering that tomorrow I'm both coding like a mad woman and possibly painting the cannon, I can likely pull an "It's late at night, lets do laundry" spree like I did last year. Assuming I can find my laundry bag... I don't know where it was unpacked to. I need to fill out a bursary too. I'm kinda scared though. I've avoided telling my parents my marks, because A) I told them off hand it was something like 75% average, and my actual average was 68%, AKA too low for COOP, although the overall average seems to have let me get by and B) I don't want the "if you put some effort into it..." speech I've gotten since high school. Or earlier... I think I worked out where to print off a transcript, though it says it's an unofficial one... I'm not even sure my average is good enough to get the busary... Which is why I'm putting this off...

Ugh, I don't get Arch... I don't... When I was upset about something completely unrelated to him, he got all protective and made me tell him what was wrong even though I really just didn't want to. But when it's something only he can fix, he just... refuses... I suppose I get it. He's stubborn, and he's mad. And he can use that anger to push himself to work harder. Unfortunately, the previous scenario was one where I could easily have done the same. Instead I just got depressed and couldn't do anything. *sighs* He can have his anger. If being mad at me pushes him to train more, it's a good thing, even if it is slightly ineffective, given the reason I made a priest was to help him train better. And if he never forgive me, never misses me, never makes an effort to get me back, then what can I do? If he wants me, he'll come back. If not, then I can't hold him to me. That'd just be selfish. I want what's best for him, in the long run. I am a rock. I am an island. I can get over him if that's what I need to do. I want him happy. My own happiness is something I control, regardless of the circumstances. Repeat the above until I believe it. My happiness is in my hands. My happiness is in my hands. My happiness is in my hands. Power over my emotions is a bad thing to give away. Power over my emotions is not something to give away.

Too bad I gave him my heart... I trusted him to not break it. I don't want to take it back. I truly don't... But I don't want him to hurt me all the time...

He says I have no guild loyalty, and that's why I helped the girl. In reality, I'm completely guildless. I lost the last guild I truly felt loyal to, the one I respected. And while Forsaken is a great guild, I'm not in it. I can be loyal to them, but at the same time, they have no loyalty to me beyond me being Arch's girlfriend. Which apparently goes a long way, but without that status, I'm nothing to them. Though he is right. The girl I helped is in a guild whom I hold little to no respect for, and she is a representative of that guild. But by the same token, my three friends in my old guild, the guild I lost all respect for and is truly dead in my eyes, I would still be friendly towards those people, if lacking respect for their "guild." And, given that the only Forsaken present when I met the girl seemed to regard her as a close friend, (hence why I helped her) I thought she was more of a good person in a horrible guild, rather than one of the reasons the guild was so horrible... This is all irrelevant to Arch, of course. I helped his enemy. End Story.

God, I didn't mean to say any of this. Not a word. Not about Arch, at least... Has it gotten my angst out? I dunno. It turned resolve to ashes. But I always regarded forgiveness to be greater than bearing a grudge. Always. I had a friend who bore grudges for months. Friends, actually. I always felt that made them less of a good friend for that inability to forgive and forget. To this day, I still regard the friends who never bore a grudge to be better friend than the ones who dragged a fight out for months despite repeated attempts to apologize, to the point where the source of the fight was lost. I felt they would lose a friend over nothing. I can't hold a grudge... Overnight, basically. I think I got it from my parents, hence why threats of "No TV/Internet for a week/month" never lasted for more than a matter of hours. I dunno, I always thought it was kinda weak of them, but I'd rather not hold a grudge that long. Once I actually self enforced the "No TV for a week" punishment... Not sure why. I'm sure it made sense at the time.

The other thing I got from them was that they always sent me to my room. Sounds like a punishment, but now whenever I'm too upset, I "go to my room." With fights with my parents, literally. With anyone else, I just walk away and either shut off all forms of communication or do something with someone unrelated. So hence why I was watching Clone High, with AIM and MSN off, and my door shut. Hence why I went to make the Mario last year. Unrelated set of friends, and no forms of communication. I've also gone on walks around campus, gone to bed, or done my laundry. Thing is, after about an hour or two I calm right down. I have books in my room that I'll just read. I think my parents eventually realized sending me to my room was a worthless punishment cuz all I did was read, which, as they knew, I loved to do. Alot. If I was still upset, while they did the "good parent, bad parent routine" (I learned they did this while watching them advice my aunt and uncle onto what to do about my young cousin) I just pretty much brushed them off and continued to read my book. But you know, the good cop, bad cop routine actually really works. Damned if I let it work again, but it did. I never let reverse pyschology work on me cuz I hate thinking I can be controlled like that. Now that I know they were using some other means to control me, it will never work again. *giggles evilly*

Hmm... I dunno what else to say. I think I'm gonna go check who's online in RO, then sleep... I don't need to acknowledge Arch if he's there... That's his job, now.
. Kat Wreaked Havoc at 2:19 AM